Sometimes, Love Just Ain't Enough
At the age of 16, I thought I knew what true love meant. You know that mini-cardiac arrest you get whenever you see that person you had a huge crush on? How about that pinching chest pain you feel when you overhear a news that he/she is unfortunately, uh, NOT single? Yes, those sudden feelings. I thought they define love.
A year after that, my sanity was introduced to something that I know I shouldn't be proud of (but because some people already think I'm a bitch, I'll mention this anyway)-- LUST. Being a nymphomaniac wasn't easy, and trust me, it was never fun at all. Well, yeah, at first I thought that sleeping around was just a normal thing that open-minded (okay, okay, I meant liberated!) people do. To cut the long story short, yes, I used to sleep around. My mistake was primarily thinking that lust comes with love and with love comes lust. I thought having sex and making love were just the same. I thought sex was a staple. Little did I know, it wasn't normal na pala.
For years I jumped from one relationship to another, making it a hobby, actually (IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY TO HATE ME NOW). Oh god rebound relationships were the best! Or so I thought...
After every tragic breakup, I never really had the chance to let myself breathe for some time. Moving-on stage? Ano 'yun? I thought in order to move forward you just have to find someone to replace what you've lost. Be it a mere "steady", a serious relationship, a hot prospect, or just plain booty call, ang mahalaga eh may naipalit ako agad. As in agad-agad. It's not like feeling ko mauubusan ako ng lalaki at babae or some sort. It just feels empty being alone. Being bisexual and a nympho at the same time was such a bombastic combo, believe me. So what I did was, hanap dito, hanap doon, minsan di na kailangan maghanap kasi there are a lot of booty calls in line. I played dirty. I partied like every night's going to be the last. I kept my soul-searching game rolling for quite some time.
I had a few serious relationships though: with my first college boyfriend (2 months. pretty short, huh?), with a barista (one that lasted for a year), and another college guy (for about two years. almost. almost.) The in-between booty calls I shall not mention at all. Sa next blog ko na lang kwento about them-- or not. Ha-hah! Thing is, with immaturity comes the maling akala. Yun nga, I thought sleeping around was the great escape after every horrible breakup. I thought it was love that I was looking for the whole time. But no. I realized that the more I get that short-time attention, the more I hunger for THAT kind of attention. I realized, yes I can sleep with anybody but after a steamy night, wala naman akong napapala. I'm just making myself believe that maybe, just maybe, there will be a chance that it could turn into something real. Fuck Friends with Benefits. Fuck No Strings Attached. Fuck all those movies and novels that created this fantasy in my head that sleeping with random people will actually turn into a very romantic, movie-ish eksena.
And then that sad, sad night came. That time, my relationship with this barista was on the rocks and so we decided to part ways na. I thought I could do the same shit I used to do-- the partying and sleeping around. But I couldn't. I didn't know what was up; I just sat there, feeling so pathetic and confused and sorry for myself and empty and disgusted and... sad. Just sad. Na parang walang kahit anong emotion sa mundo ang makakatumbas nung nararamdaman ko. It's as if I don't know me at all. I just cried myself to sleep. The morning after that, I woke up and told myself that I would stop the whole promiscuity game. And I did.
And that was when I learned one of life's greatest lessons: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I learned it the hard way but the journey was worth it. The pain that came with it was all part of the learning. After all, kung hindi ako nasaktan, hindi ako mapapaisip. I wouldn't have had the chance to realize that I was just hurting myself by searching for love at the wrong places, by the wrong way. I wouldn't have learned anything at all. But I did, and I'm thankful that I did.
I learned the right way to move forward. I stopped depending my happiness on fate, movies, novels, and anybody's hearsay. Ang happiness ko, ako ang gumagawa. Nasa'kin ang paraan. Should I wish to make careless choices again, it's also up to me but I will try not to. In retrospect, before I make any major decision, I should always conjure up a pop out question in my head: How will this affect my life in the long run?
Put it this way. Kung hindi ka masaya sa gagawin mo, then don't. When in doubt, trust your instincts. Do not do things kung hindi ka masaya and at peace sa gagawin mo. I did not create this blog to show everyone that I was proud of my promiscuity and wrong doings. I just think this might help someone who's going through the same shit I had back then. I have learned to forgive and emancipate myself from the dark chapters of the past. Right now, I have a partner who makes me happy, supports me in all my endeavors and treats me like a partner, too. I know we deserve each other, we make each other happy and that's all that matters. No trust issues, no commitment issues. It's just me, her, our chosen careers and long-term plans. Two thumbs up for fidelity! :)
In order to live life to the fullest, you have to know how to live life. To know how to live life, you have to introduce yourself to forgiveness, peace of mind, and acceptance. On your journey to happiness and success, pack light-- do not let your troubles and burdens pile up, face them. Every waking day is a blessing, a miracle. Stop looking for love at the wrong places. Go home, have tea with your mom and talk about life, lessons, hopes and dreams. Feeling empty? Hug her. You and your mother's existence is what defines eternal love. Feeling blessed? Share. Go out and buy some cookies. Make some children happy. Feeling ugly and unloved? Look at the mirror. God made you BEAUTIFUL.
This is why I put a strikethough on the header of this post (Sometimes, Love Just Ain't Enough). Love for faith, maternal love, brotherly love, self-love, love for your partner, whatever kind of positive love it may be, IS ENOUGH. Enough to keep you fighting, breathing, and happy. Love should keep you dreamy, but grounded. Love makes you live your life. Life is what you make it. Start working on it NOW. :)
-J
